Benjamin Bonetti Therapy Online Coaching

I get asked a lot about confidence and how we can develop more of it, although much of the advice is based on personal and specific questioning…

...for most, a few hours of reflection can bring about substantial shifts. 

I’m an advocate for all things ‘self’ and for most parts confidence-starts-and-ends in how you communicate within. Self-awareness and understanding involves being personally aware but also very honest about the reasons behind your personal traits, behaviours and feelings – i.e your internal dialog.

Awareness is one of the first components that people should understand before attempting to implement significant change.  

While our internal dialog and awareness is something that is central to whom we are, and for some a division, open to question of its origin. It is an area that needs to be an aspect in which you ‘develop’ and seek to train with the same level of importance, to that of your nutrition or fitness training programme.

How to we know, if we are aware, or not and why does it matter?

It is widely agreed that we possess self-awareness from a very young age, being able to separate ourselves from others for the purpose of survival – you only need to look at the relationship between a new-born and their mother to appreciate this.

- It matters because we become the projection of the internal dialog.

Self-Awareness Development. 

Studies suggest that the awareness of ‘self’ begins to emerge at about a year old and increases to develop over the next 2/3 years.

Lewis and Brooks-Gunn Studies. Lewis and Brooks-Gunn applied a red dot to an infant's nose and then held the child up to a mirror. Children who recognized themselves in the mirror would reach for their own noses rather than the reflection in the mirror, which indicated that they had at least some level of self-awareness. Lewis and Brooks-Gunn found that almost no children under one year of age would reach for their own nose rather than the reflection in the mirror.


The area of the brain located in the frontal lobe, plays an important role in developing self-awareness. Studies used brain imaging to show that this region becomes activated in adults who are self-aware, demonstrating that it is something that developed.

The two accepted types of self-awareness that you should understand and develop according to how YOU want to live your life.  

Public Self-Awareness 

This type emerges when people are aware of how they appear and compare to others. Public self-awareness often emerges in situations when people are at the centre of attention, whether ‘real’ or created*.


*Social media has the ability to project yourself in a way, so far from the reality that it is possible to become disconnected from fact, truth and the authentic self, with some going so far into their distortion that they are disappointed by the reality presented in their reflection. 

This type of self-awareness often compels people to adhere to social norms, in order to fit and belong! When we are aware that we are being watched and evaluated, we often TRY to behave in ways that are socially acceptable and desirable.

Public self-awareness can lead to evaluation anxiety, in which people become distressed, anxious, or worried about how they are perceived by others, something that I have spoken about in the past and how social media has lead to a substantial increase in mental illness. 

Personal Self-Awareness 

This type happens when people become aware of some aspects of themselves, but only in a private way. For example, seeing your face in the mirror is a type of private self-awareness.

REFLECTION is fundamentally key to your own growth and development. WORK ON IT!

Should You Be Self-Conscious? 

Sometimes, people can become overly self-aware and veer into what is known as negative self-consciousness. Have you ever felt like everyone was watching you, judging your actions, and waiting to see what you will do next? This heightened state of self-awareness can leave you feeling awakened and nervous, effectively acting in a way that counters that future event, despite it only being a manifestation of something that you have created.

Think about that for a minute. 

1 - Acting (behaviours) in a way that pre-empts a future situations that is a manifestation of something that has not yet happened and purely within ones own mind. 

2 - Acting (behaviours) in a way that pre-empts a future situations that is a manifestation of something that has not yet happened and purely within ones own mind.

3 - Acting (behaviours) in a way that pre-empts a future situations that is a manifestation of something that has not yet happened and purely within ones own mind. 

In a lot of cases, these feelings of self-consciousness are only temporary and arise in situations when we are "in the spotlight” and disappear as quickly as they appear. However for some stuck in the future loop they are more likely to suffer from negative health consequences such as increased stress and anxiety.

But it doesn’t need to be all that negative.  

All things self – means to reflect without rose tinted glasses, without your head in the sand and with an honest approach towards your reality. 

No oil painting? Who cares…

Wears a £7.99 micky mouse Casio? Who cares…

Have a dads body but healthy? Who cares… 

The key with increasing confidence is to be okay with you, aware of what you are and what you want to become, but without the need to manifest a negative ‘another’s’ vision of you.

You should avoid living your life to please another’s expectation.

If you are stuck right now and need some guidance then why not reach out to me Benjamin Bonetti.

Click here to secure your therapy appointment.

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