The Urge to Prevail: Grasping and Overcoming the Need to Be Right for Mental Wellbeing

Benjamin Bonetti Therapy Online Coaching

If you've ever had a disagreement that's escalated beyond control, you'll be familiar with the intense, relentless, and somewhat consuming need to be right.

Despite recognising the destructive direction the conversation is heading, we frequently feel compelled to continue. We justify this compulsion with the belief that the other person needs to acknowledge our viewpoint, that our perspective is the correct one. This blog delves into the intricate psychology behind this universal human trait: the overpowering need to be right.

Drawing on the latest research in psychology and neuroscience, this exploration will provide you with actionable insights and practical strategies to understand and overcome this compelling need. This post aims to aid you in enhancing your interpersonal relationships, promoting your mental health, and developing a more flexible mindset.

Understanding the Need to Be Right

The Psychology of 'Rightness'

The need to be right is an inherent aspect of human psychology. At its core, this need is linked to our desire for certainty and control. The brain thrives on certainty and is discomforted by ambiguity. This predilection for certainty is an evolutionary adaptation — our ancestors needed to be sure whether the rustling in the bushes was a potential predator or merely the wind. In the modern world, this instinct manifests as our propensity to perceive our beliefs as correct. 

Social psychologist Arie Kruglanski coined the term "cognitive closure" to describe our human desire for certainty. This yearning for a definitive answer drives us towards maintaining our current beliefs and reduces our openness to differing perspectives. It's this craving for cognitive closure that fuels our need to be right.

The need to be right is also linked to our self-esteem and identity. When our views are challenged, it's not just our beliefs that are under threat but our self-concept — our understanding of who we are. When we're convinced we're right and others don't agree, it can feel like a personal attack, triggering defensive responses and causing conversations to spiral out of control.

The Neuroscience Behind It

From a neurological perspective, being right activates the brain's reward system. A study led by neuroscientist Dr. Chris Frith revealed that when individuals realised they were correct, there was significant activation in the brain's ventral striatum, a region associated with reward. This could explain why we are often so driven to prove our point — our brain essentially rewards us for it.

However, being proven wrong can activate a neural response similar to that triggered by threats to our physical safety. Researcher David Rock's SCARF model explains that the brain reacts to social threats with the same intensity as physical threats. One of these social threats is the threat to our 'certainty' — our need to predict the future and be right.

The Consequences of the Need to Be Right

The need to be right isn't inherently harmful. It can drive us to strive for accuracy, seek truth, and make well-informed decisions. However, when this need becomes excessive, it can have negative impacts on our mental health and relationships.

Impact on Mental Health

A chronic need to be right can lead to chronic stress. Continually striving for certainty in an uncertain world is a Sisyphean task, leading to anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed. It can also contribute to mental rigidity, reducing our psychological flexibility, an essential component of mental resilience.

Research shows that people with high levels of psychological flexibility — the ability to adapt to changing situations and shift strategies when circumstances change — have better mental health outcomes. By clinging to our need to be right, we risk diminishing this crucial aspect of our mental well-being.

Impact on Relationships

Relationships — whether personal or professional — thrive on mutual respect, understanding, and compromise. When the need to be right overpowers these values, relationships can suffer. Conversations become combative rather than collaborative, causing harm to the relational bond.

In extreme cases, the need to be right can lead to a pattern of communication known as 'demand-withdrawal', where one party makes demands or criticisms, and the other withdraws or avoids the conversation. This pattern, according to research by family psychologist Paul Schrodt, is linked to negative outcomes in relationships, including dissatisfaction and relationship instability.

Overcoming the Need to Be Right

Understanding the need to be right is the first step towards overcoming it. Once you recognise the psychological and neurological processes driving this need, you can implement strategies to manage it more effectively. 

Cultivating Awareness and Mindfulness

Begin by cultivating an awareness of your own need to be right. Recognise when you're becoming defensive, when your heart rate rises, or when you're not truly listening to the other person's perspective. These are signs that your need to be right might be overpowering your communication.

Practising mindfulness can help with this. Mindfulness involves paying full attention to the present moment without judgement. By practising mindfulness during conversations, you can become more aware of your reactions and manage them more effectively. 

Embracing Uncertainty and Psychological Flexibility

Challenging the desire for cognitive closure can also be beneficial. This involves developing comfort with uncertainty, embracing the idea that it's okay not to know everything, and acknowledging that other viewpoints can be valid.

Cultivating psychological flexibility is another strategy. This involves being open to new experiences, being willing to step out of your comfort zone, and being willing to change your strategies when circumstances demand. It also involves recognising that being wrong isn't a threat to your identity but an opportunity to learn and grow. 

Developing Empathy and Active Listening

Developing empathy is a powerful tool in overcoming the need to be right. Empathy allows us to understand others' perspectives, making us more open to differing viewpoints. Moreover, empathy can shift our focus from 'winning' the argument to understanding the other person. 

Alongside empathy, active listening can help. Active listening involves fully focusing on the speaker, avoiding interrupting, and providing feedback that shows you've understood their point. This can reduce defensiveness and open up a more productive dialogue.

In conclusion, the need to be right is a natural human instinct, driven by our desire for certainty and self-identity. However, when it becomes dominant, it can harm our mental health and relationships. By understanding this need and implementing strategies like mindfulness, embracing uncertainty, and developing empathy, we can manage this need more effectively, leading to better mental health and stronger relationships.

Discover a Path Towards Better Mental Health

Navigating life's ups and downs can often feel overwhelming, leading to stress, anxiety, or even feelings of despair. If you're feeling weighed down by emotional turmoil or struggling to find a sense of balance, we're here to help. Our counselling services offer a safe, compassionate, and confidential environment where you can express your feelings freely, explore your concerns, and begin the journey towards healing and personal growth. We believe that everyone has the capacity for change and that therapy can unlock the door to a more fulfilling, happier life.

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Our professional counselling services are designed to equip you with the tools and strategies necessary to effectively handle life's challenges. Whether you're grappling with stress, anxiety, depression, or simply seeking a better understanding of yourself and your relationships, we can provide tailored support to meet your unique needs. Using evidence-based approaches such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, we can help you challenge unhelpful cognitive biases and develop healthier ways of thinking.

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